


truth so loud (you can't ignore)

by liamthebastard



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 00:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6729805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liamthebastard/pseuds/liamthebastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“i found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because i’m a nosy motherfucker i decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and i’m not quite sure why i thought this would be a good idea but here i am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore” AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	truth so loud (you can't ignore)

Four months, two weeks, one day, and fifteen hours after Jack Zimmerman broke his heart, Eric Bittle found himself standing at Jack’s door, banging his fist furiously against the wood. A single envelope was clenched in his other hand, paper crumpled and marked with two sets of tears, one months old and the newer only a few hours. 

“ _Jack Laurent Zimmerman_ you open this door _right now_!” Bitty hollered, not caring if the neighbors heard. 

It took another five minutes of shouting and banging, but the door finally opened, revealing a sleep-rumpled and exhausted Jack. Their eyes met, and Bitty could feel tears threatening once more.

_Pause. Rewind._

Music blared through his headphones as he started cleaning. Laundry into one pile, trash into the bag, books and other miscellaneous into the second and third piles. Once the floor of his bedroom was acceptable, Bitty started tackling under the bed. 

It had become a bit of mess lately, but then again, so had Bitty. At least under the bed was something he could tidy, could make neat again, so he struggled through the sorting and dusting and squirming to reach the very back corner against the wall. It looked like something was shoved there, an old shoebox full of Lord knew what, and Bitty was going to reach it even if he had to pop his shoulder back in place afterwards. 

He pulled it forward, and gave it a gentle shake. Sounded like papers, maybe it was the pile of recipes he’d been trying to find for a few months now. Feeling something like excitement, he pulled the lid off, and was startled when he saw his own name staring back at him. The handwriting was painfully familiar, something he’d seen on post-it notes scattered about the Haus and, recently, on little letters around their shared living space. And even more recently, something he’d been missing. 

He upended the box, scattering maybe a dozen letters all around him, and every single one bore his name.

A shaky breath forced its way out of his chest, and his hands started to shake. He shouldn’t read them, not at all… 

But they were in his room. Jack hadn’t taken them with him. And they _were_ addressed to him, even dated in the corner on each envelope, like Jack had been saving them for something. 

After so long, it couldn’t hurt to read just one, right?

*

_Eric_ \- and already Bitty is feeling a little misty-eyed, remembering how Jack used to whisper his name like it was a gift, like he couldn’t believe the syllables on his tongue - _you’re sleeping now, your first night here in Providence. I think you’re tired from traveling all day, or maybe the time difference. Or just tired from saying goodbye to your mom, I know you cried, even if you say you didn’t. You had so much energy on the drive up, but once we got home you just dropped your bag and fell asleep, right there on the couch. I had to carry you back to bed, and you made this little offended sound in your sleep when I first picked you up._

_But you’re asleep now, completely, and it feels so **right** to have you here, in our bed, in **our** home. I know you’re worried about it, about starting over up here, but I believe in you, and I believe in **us** , more than anything in the world. I never want to wake up without you again, no matter what that means. I’m so, so lucky that you’re here, with me, and I don’t ever want to forget to be grateful._

Tears were threatening to break free now, along with memories of that drive up from Madison, how Bitty had commandeered the aux cord since Jack had insisted on driving the U-Haul, and how he’d spent the entirety of the 15 hours and some-odd-minutes drive to Providence sprucing up Jack’s knowledge of pop music and Top 40s hits. How the sun had risen slowly as they sped up I-95, and how it lit up Jack’s eyes like the summer sky and made Bitty’s knees weak even though he was sitting. He kept reading, about what their drive had been like from Jack’s perspective, and how _happy_ he was that Bitty was with him now, for real. 

He didn’t really start to cry until he read the final line, but once he did, the dam broke. 

_Yours, Jack._

*

Once the tears settled - Bitty had always been quick to cry, but quick to catch his breath when he needed to - he opened the second letter, dated a few months into their shared life. It was shorter than the first. He almost choked at the greeting, but pushed through. 

_**Mon petit chou** , if I have to play another away series without you, I may actually lose my mind. I’m excited and happy to play, but I want you here with me, not back home. And I know, you love your work, and you don’t trust anyone else to do it quite like you, but the next series I have to play away from home, I’m taking you with me. I want your face to be the first thing I see when the game is over, and every time I get caught glancing towards the glass after a game, Tater gets more and more obnoxious in his chirping. I just want you here. I need you here. I’ll be home soon, **mon chère**_. 

Bitty had to put it down before the closing line. He couldn’t stand to read it again. He wasn’t even sure he could read any more of the letters, his heart couldn’t handle reading Jack so in love with him when it wasn’t true. Not anymore. Jack had made his choices, and Bitty had been trying to move on. 

Just one more. Just the last one. Maybe in that, Bitty could find the closure he’d been without for so many months, and he could finally put Jack’s ghost to rest. 

*  
There was no greeting on this letter, the one dated just four months, two weeks, and one day ago, only smudges of ink and clear tear marks scattered around the edges, like Jack had wiped his eyes and then continued writing. 

_**Désolé, mon cœur, je suis désolé.** I am so, so, sorry. I never wanted this for you, for us. I never wanted to be the reason you hurt. You deserve so much better, you have always deserved so much more then me. I see how happy you are when it’s just you and me, but every time we’re out in public I have to watch that light dim. And every day, I see it get dimmer and dimmer until you’re barely shining at all. I can’t be responsible for that, I can’t keep making you unhappy. But I’m too much of a coward. I’d rather drag you back into the closet with me than be brave and tell the world I’m yours. I want to, **Dieu** , do I want to. But every time I even think about it, I just can’t. I can’t make myself do it._

_But I can’t keep hurting you either, Bitty. I won’t. You deserve all the happiness in the world, with a man you love, even if that man isn’t me. I want you happy, I want you to live out and proud, instead of hiding half of who you are. I don’t want you to be a dirty little secret. You’re brilliant, and wonderful, and everything I could’ve ever hoped for, and I can honestly say I don’t ever want to love anyone else like I’ve loved you. But you deserve someone who can love you better. Someone who will shout to the world that they’re yours, instead of hiding it._

_I’ve been so selfish with you, Eric. So, so, so selfish. I can’t love you the way you need, and I’m so sorry._

_I know this won’t be a surprise to you. You’ve noticed me putting distance between us, trying to make it easier on us both. I’m sure you’re going to bring it up soon. Once you do, I’ll do the first selfless thing in my life. I’ll walk away._

_**Adieu**._

No signature. Just a final, large smudge. Or maybe there was a signature, Bitty wasn’t sure, the words had gone runny in his sight from his own tears. 

That stupid, _stupid_ boy.

*

_Fast forward_. 

Bitty wasn’t sure how he’d even gotten to Jack’s apartment so quickly. Even though he’d stayed in Providence after the mess of a breakup, it still would’ve taken about half an hour to get to Jack’s place, and he only vaguely remembered getting into his car. 

But he was there, somehow, filled with righteous fury, and Jack was going to get an earful. So he pushed his way into the apartment, didn’t even say a word about how Spartan the entire set up looked - honestly it looked like a hotel room, and not even a particularly _nice_ one - and instead immediately turned to face Jack head on. 

“What on God’s green Earth,” Bitty began, lifting the letter up and brandishing it towards Jack, who was still looking pretty startled and sleepy, “made you think you aren’t _enough_ for me? Did I ever, even once, say that I was unhappy? Lord, Jack, I would’ve done _anything_ for you, I didn’t need us to be out. I wasn’t out to my _parents_ until we’d already moved in together!” 

Jack looked startled, still half-asleep and not quite understanding what was happening. “You - I wasn’t going to give those to you,” he finally said. His voice was thick with sleep, something Bitty had heard so many times before in better scenarios, and he’d missed it so _much_ , but he was still angry, still furious that Jack did this to them, so he rolled past his feelings and kept ranting. 

“Well you left them in our house, and they had my name on them, so of course I was going to read them! I - I just don’t - I don’t understand why, if you wrote all of this, if you felt all these things, how you could still leave. Jesus Christ, Jack, how could you think I’d be better off without you?” Bitty said, his voice cracking a bit as he sank down onto the grey couch and pushed his face into his hands. 

The couch sank down a bit next to him, and a hand settled between Bitty’s shoulder blades, rubbing small soothing circles. Part of Bitty wanted to flinch away from the too-familiar touch but his muscle memory took over and he relaxed into it without thought. 

They sat in silence for a moment, Bitty trying to force back tears that were threatening to break free, and Jack making quiet noises of sympathy while Bitty got himself back under control. 

“I thought - I’ve never felt like enough for you. I always thought you deserved better, and I just… I couldn’t keep forcing you to be a secret. It wasn’t what you’d signed up for,” Jack said softly, his hand stilling but remaining on Bitty’s back. 

Bitty turned his head. “ _Bullshit_ ,” he spat, and refused to feel bad at Jack’s shocked face. “That’s _bullshit_ , Jack, and you know it. I signed up for one thing, and that was to be yours. Everything else that came with that, I was ready for. I was okay with it. You weren’t _forcing_ me to do anything.”

“But… every time we went out, or I had to say I was single in press conferences, or Tater tried to set me up…” Jack stumbled over the words, and Bitty interrupted again. 

“Yeah, it hurt, Jack, but it was worth it. God, you’re worth all of that and more. I was in love with you when I thought you were _straight_ , and you think that once I got you I was, what, having second thoughts? You’re worth it. Every press conference, every lie, every secret, you’re worth it. We could’ve never told anyone, not our friends, or our family, and you’d still be worth it,” he said fiercely. Jack’s eyes were glassy now, like he too was holding back tears, and it nearly set Bitty off again. Instead of crying, he let his voice soften, and reached out a hand to cup Jack’s jaw. “Even now, with everything that’s happened, you’re worth it,” he whispered, almost afraid of Jack hearing it and rejecting him again. 

Jack’s free hand came up and rested where Bitty’s neck met his shoulder, Jack’s thumb stroking absentmindedly at the soft skin there. “Eric, I - I’m scared,’ Jack admitted. “I’m terrified of making you hate me.”

And just like that, the last of Bitty’s anger slipped away, and in its place he found just a bruising tenderness, that instinct that made him want to wrap Jack in his arms and protect him from everything. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” he sighed, using his grip on Jack’s face to bring their foreheads together. “That’s not gonna happen. Even in that big ole place by myself I couldn’t find it in me to hate you. I still love you, Jack, more than anything in this life. And I don’t care if anyone else knows or doesn’t know, so long as I’m with you. As long as you know I love you, I don’t care about the rest of the world.”

A small smile appeared on Jack’s face, and his hand moved from Bitty’s shoulder to cup his cheek. Bitty leaned in to the touch with a smile of his own, and pressed a small kiss to his palm. 

“I love you, Eric,” Jack murmured. 

Bitty’s smile grew even larger, and threatened to take over his face when Jack leaned in and softly pressed their lips together. 

It was a clumsy kiss, they were a bit out of practice, and Bitty couldn’t stop smiling, but it was worth it. A moment later, Bitty tightened his grip on Jack and pulled him into a more serious, but still soft, kiss. Jack made a low sound in his throat at the strength of Bitty’s grip, and Bitty held back a grin. 

After four months without him, Bitty didn’t plan on letting Jack go any time soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello yes I'm new to the fandom and this is my very first fic for zimbits, please be kind.
> 
> (I'm made of angst I'm so sorry for hurting these sweet children)


End file.
